My Voice

I need to tell someone. I need a voice.

As quite a few people know I have suffered with mental illnesses for a number of years and you know what, IT SUCKS. But I have to keep fighting and live with it. 

Now I'm not going deep into it. But do you know what mainly started it off... Healthy eating and THE MEDIA. I was slim all through my childhood and teenage years at school, but suddenly the media talking about healthy eating and showing all these size 0 models. I was like hey? They look good. Then this new amazing, wonderful app was developed... MyFitnessPal. 

I jumped on it! I was shocked to see how many calories were in the things I was eating. It was crazy. So I monitored what I was eating. I eat 3 meals a day, including 3 snacks. BUT, they were drastically low in calories. I ended up eating a maximum of 800 calories per day. THEN, I started skipping meals because WOW the feeling you get when you jump on the scales and you've lost!! It felt amazing. I'm sure everyone has felt that feeling. 

Now I knew I was skinny, but I wanted to be perfect, which meant getting as low a number as I could on the scales. This resulted in me being dangerously low... Below 5 stone. But I didn't have a problem. 

I went to see a Dietician and she helped me gain weight to be healthy again. Oh that was so hard, eating lots of cheese and eating big portions from my mum. It was fine. Until the loss of control started to eat me up (nice pun ay!). I started controlling my intake again. I controlled the amount of food put on my plate. I threw the lunch my mum made me in the bin. I became 5 stone again. 

ALARM BELLS... I do have a problem. But I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop controlling it. I couldn't stop the feeling food gave me. But I hated the way I looked. I became more and more depressed because I was a failure. I lost weight but I couldn't put it on. All I could think about was food. I couldn't revise for my A levels because all I could hear in my head was food... food... food... 

I became so low that suicide was the only option. My life was hell. Everyone around me, their life was hell. I went into self-destruct mode and no one could stop me. I had counselling appointments, but they couldn't help me? They were talking rubbish at me. Who cares? I want to die so I will. 

Eventually it got too much and on my 18th birthday I was sent to hospital and didn't leave for a month. I was recovering. It felt amazing at times. 

But has it all stopped? No. I still continue to struggle. I am no longer "that skinny girl with an eating disorder", who am I? So, I became a vegetarian. I needed an identity, and control. Still I need control. Still I am depressed. Still counsellers are talking to me, telling me what to do. Still I try. But I can't. I'm bipolar. But I'm fine? I need control. I am a vegan. But now... I am fat. 

I hope this motivates you to share you story. Mental health awareness is needed. Don't be ashamed. Share it. Get help. Life is for living. Not hiding. I am starting my journey to happiness and healthy weight loss. We all need a voice to express emotions. Use yours.